As some of you know, my sister Debbie ended her own life this past year. I find that it is very hard for me to talk about, for all the obvious reasons and then for my own personal reasons. With her one year mark approaching I find it is all I can think about.
Our father had passed away after a long battle with kidney disease. All of his daughters were in the room with him when he finally succumbed. We all told him that we would be okay, that it was alright for him to leave us and that we would take care of our mother. What I remember most about other people in the room during the time that he was preparing to leave -- my sister Debbie, singing softly to him -- Amazing Grace.
Most of my friends did not get a chance to know Debbie well. She was older than us by 9 years and already had a family while we were still in high school. I feel like the world is at a loss for not knowing her. She was so sweet and loving. Most people who did know her would say that she gave to her own detriment. She could have only one shirt but if she saw someone going without, she would give that shirt up to the person without.
The world didn't always treat her kindly. There were many heartbreaks, many bad situations and a lot of pain.
As my father's 1 year passing mark approached, I knew she was getting down, but we were all mired down in our own pain over the past year's events. I tried to keep up with what was going on with her. At one point, we tried to have her committed to an institution, but it failed. Unfortunately, the mental illness industry is very tied into the insurance industry and she had no insurance. We were in the process of planning to get her either to mom's house or to my older sister's house when we got the call.
A little too late.
What I remember, at night, when my thoughts are dark and sad -- the detective asking me about the small blue jar she had clutched in her hand. "Do you know what it is? Should we have it tested?"
"I know what it is. There's no need to test it. Leave it and we'll pick it up when we get to Phoenix"
"Ok, but I need to know what is in the jar, ma'am."
A long pause before I could bring myself to tell him --
"They are my father's ashes."
Debbie -- I love you. I will always love you until we meet again. And I miss you.
Kimm, Barbi & Shawn, Ginger, Mike and my girls --all of you who supported me through this --
I love you. Thank you.
Debra Ann Cottrell Russell, with my daughters Megan & Sarah while camping.
1960-2008
A beautiful sister, mother, daughter, aunt, friend and woman.
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